Living with depression

Every single day, I wake up and wish that I hadn't.  

The times in my life where I could say I have been happy have been few and far between. I've never found dealing with my problems easy. I don't think anyone would deny they'd find the life I've lived quite traumatic, but it is my inability to move forwards and rebuild my life that frustrates me so much. Yet depression is a part of my life that most people did not know about until recently. Instead I'd assume people would think of me as the life and soul of the party.      

After spending much of my life feeling lost and sad, 2015 was the year things changed. I left my abusive boyfriend of 6 years, moved back to Basingstoke to be with my friends and family and graduated university, despite my mental health threatening my ability to complete the course constantly. Then I went for a drink with a friend one day and ended up falling in love with him. Even in this year of happiness, I was not cured. I'd still spend nights alone crying in bed for no reason but it was rare and it was bearable. I could still find joy in my friends and my new boyfriend. At midnight on 1st January he text me "love you" and I cried because I was so happy.

Despite being in this happy bubble, January 2016 also brought with it my old friend anxiety. Anxiety is shit. It turns me from a confident, outgoing girl in to a woman who would rather not eat for a day than go to the supermarket.  

My boyfriend and I broke up a few months later and I have no problem with admitting I was completely heartbroken. The things that he said during that break up hurt so badly. I can't even put it in to words. He said I was never anything serious, that he couldn't love me and that I wasn't wife or mother material.   I feel stupid for falling so deeply in love with someone who could have taken or leaven me for the entire time we were together. The things he said paired with the loneliness of losing him and my already fragile emotional state tipped me over the edge.   

Since then my depression has been dehabilitating. My mind now has even more memories to taunt me with and more hurtful conversations to repeat on loop.   

I see a lot in the news about people who have recovered from depression but not how it feels to try to keep living when it is weighing you down, so here goes...
I am on anti depressants, I have lost my job, I have been signed off work indefinitely, I sleep for days on end, I alienate people who love me, I don't look after myself, I constantly feel like I'm letting everyone down, I feel like people are my friends out of pity, I feel guilty for not going out when I've been invited, I feel guilty for going and then being an anxious mess and ruining everyone's night, I cry for no reason, I cry because I hate myself, I cry because I'm stuck here, I regularly think about suicide, I have used up all the counselling available to me on the NHS, I don't get excited about anything, and the list goes on.   

The hardest thing in all this is hurting the people I love. They desperately want me to get better and I can't do it for them. They will say "just try a bit harder" but what does that even mean? Where do I even start? I've fucked up my life so monumentously that I don't think there is any coming back, I just have to endure it.  

Gradually, the number or people who love me will become smaller and smaller. I'm torn between never wanting to lose these people and wanting them to be free of me and the added pressure I put on their lives.  

Essentially, if I live I make them sad and if I die I make them sad. And all the while I know I will be sad forever. I will exist but not live and maybe that's just the curse that falls on some people.

Breaking your own heart

Loving someone and knowing that there's nothing more you can do to make them love you is the single most crushing feeling I've ever felt.

It's knowing that after five years you're not fun enough or pretty enough or wild enough in bed and you've gone up a dress size. And you nag all the time because life is suddenly so vast and stressful and him leaving his socks on the floor isn't cute- it's one more thing added to the list of stresses that make up your day.

It's knowing that being under valued is not good for you and love is not a reason to stay with someone. It's knowing how much you tried, how much of your soul you poured into this person, how much you exhausted yourself to make them happy- but it was never quite good enough.

And then it's the process of pretending- for your own benefit as well as everyone else's- everything is fine, it was for the best, "I'm taking control of my life."

When in reality, it's not being able to fight the lump in your throat on the walk to the bus stop. It's tears streaming down your face whilst you brush your teeth. Or sitting in the same place for hours because you can't imagine how your life is going to go on without them. It's throwing up whilst you know they're on a date- with someone prettier, slimmer, more fun- knowing their touching and laughing and he's being the person for her you longed he would be for you. It's bumping into that girl whilst shopping and breaking down on a bench.It's the fear that you trusted this person with every single last intimate detail of your life- they got you, they understood- and now they're gone.

Everything hurts and nothing gets easier.

Festival Packing: Fashion

I have read a lot online recently that ridicules the term 'festival fashion,' and I can't understand why. In my opinion, you should wear whatever makes you feel comfortable. For me that means I put some thought in to my outfits, like I do every day, but I don't judge people who take one pair of trousers and a tshirt to see them through the week. If you are reading this you probably have an interest in fashion and like me want the chance to experiment with your outfits whilst at a festival. It is all about feeling confident in what you are wearing, and for that you need to be comfortable but stylish.

Over the years I have been to a fair few festivals and like to think I have got the packing nailed! Here are my tips on compiling a wardrobe for five days!

001. Firstly, let's address what you are going to pack your things in. I have tried different things; bags stacked on a pull along trolley, a suitcase, but I have found the best to be a RUCKSACK. Sports Direct always have these on sale and there are so many handy compartment and bits to hang your sleeping bag off etc etc. You can normally pick one up for under £50 and they are such a great investment.

002. WEAR WELLIES. A pretty obvious one I think. Personally, I wear my wellies there and that's the only footwear I take to save on packing. They keep you dry but they also give you some ankle support for doing a lot of walking and prevent your toes from being crushed in crowds. My wellies of choice are Hunters - if you go to a few festivals invest in a decent welly. So much more comfortable than a cheapy Primark number and they last, actually saving you money in the long run. But if you have stronger ankles than me and are going to a smaller festival, you might want to take some vans or converse - I really wouldn't recommend flip flops.

003. LEGS. Tights dry quicker than jeans or leggings- the motto which I live my life by. If it's raining I'd much rather have bare legs or thin tights on that be stuck in a soggy pair of jeans for the rest of the day- or worse keeping them stinking in the tent. As a rule I wear shorts or dresses with tights in the day then pack a thick pair of leggings for the colder evenings.

004. PAC-A-MAC. I have a mac which folds up into a pouch with a clip which I attach to my bag for easy access. Topshop sell lovely rain macs which look incredible but you won't want to be wearing it in a hot and sweaty tent- then what are you going to do with it?

005. BIKINIS AS UNDERWEAR. Ladies are you with me here when I say that bras are the devils handiwork?! I wear a bikini come rain or shine because a) they're so much more comfortable, and b) I can take my top off when I get too hot. No brainer.

006. PYJAMAS. Nothing beats getting into pyjamas after you've had a tiring day. End of.

007. SOCKS. Take more than you think you'll need. You will thank me. And go above the knee, not knee high. So much more flattering.

008. A CARDIGAN/ JACKET. A rain mac will keep you dry but not warm. In the evenings you'll definitely want an oversized cardi or a big denim jacket to keep you cosy!

009. ACCESSORIZE. The beauty of festivals is that there is so much opportunity to experiment with fashion! Pack your floral crowns and your hats and your big chunky jewellery and have fun with your outfits!

010. PLAN YOUR OUTFITS and make a check list. There's nothing worse than looking at a bag full of clothes and not knowing what to do with it. Plan your outfits to be versatile and almost take a little capsule wardrobe with you. Denim shorts can be worn multiple times and a little tshirt dress takes up no room but can be accessorized beautifully! Take enough with you so that you can change in the evenings, with no shower it's nice to have a refresh and get out of wet clothes (be that from rain or sweat- ew).

011. PACK THINGS YOU DON'T MIND GETTING DIRTY. because they will get dirty if you're truly enjoying yourself!

My final tip is don't pack too many clothes but don't pack too little either. One year I only took a small bag with me with about 4 vest tops and 1 pair of shorts and it was just not enough. Don't try to be over practical!

Here are some shots of me putting those tips in to action (excuse the old photos):

A typical festival outfit for me which I think is practical but still looks good (note my pac-a-mac hanging from my bag!)

Putting my bikini theory into action + loving a clean toilet

One of my all time favorite festival outfits

Loving life in the rain and mud

Nothing wrong with a floral crown

Here's a sneaky peek of what to expect from my beauty packing post!

Whatever festival you are attending this year I hope you have an amazing time and stay tuned for more of my festival packing series- coming up is beauty and miscellaneous. When I'm done I might put together the ultimate packing checklist- let me know what you think!

upcycling yankee candle jars

A cheeky little DIY post from me today. I love crafting, not only is it fun it's also a great way of saving yourself some pennies!

Pinterest is full of cute ways you can use jars around the house, but kilner jar's can actually be pretty pricey and why not use what you've already got. I'm addicted to buying Yankee Candles and wanted to find a pretty way of re-using them! So, in this case I decided to empty them out and fill them with... yet more candles (I know).

So when you've come to the end of burning your candle, pop the jar in the freezer. Wax contracts when it freezes so when you take the jar out the wax will be easy to remove. Then, instead of throwing that wax away invest in a tart burner, there are loads of cute ones on ebay and it means you really aren't wasting any of your money.You can peel the labels off, or actually I think sometimes they look quite cute left on.

Then get to work on decorating your jars- the best bit! I have a craft box where I put anything I have saved up over the years. I always keep the ribbons off of gifts and the pretty row of houses I have stuck on mine is from a housewarming card my mum got me! I stuck it down with glue dots and voila!

There are so many things you can fill these with- cotton wool, hair bands, tea lights. After I had taken these photos I emptied out a third jar, skipped the decoration and filled with fairy lights for my bedside table.

A kilner jar costs almost as much as buying a Yankee Candle alone and this way you get double for your money!

Do you have any other ideas on how to use jars around the house?

Happy crafting!

spring ready nails

Nails Inc George Street- £11

My nan always buys me a selection of Nails Inc and Leighton Denny for birthdays and christmases and this was in her latest offering. George Street is the perfect, easy to wear, dusky pink nude. The colour is beautiful and definitely one that could be worn on a range of skin tones. I'm not one to wear a bright pink polish and so I find this shade a nice, subtle way to wear the hue. Paired with a pastel coat, this polish will see you are Spring ready!

On the flip side though, I do think £11 for a nail varnish is way over priced and you could easily find a cheaper alternative in Superdrug. Espescially as I found this streaky on application (as I do with most lighter colours). I also find that nudes start to look grubby after a couple of days and so it doesn't really matter what the staying power is like.

This nail varnish is gorgeous, but in no way is it a game changer. 

marwell zoo

dress; primark

jacket; primark mens

bag; primark

socks; primark

rings; primark and republic

necklace: topshop

shoes; office

rayban clubmasters

lipstick; look beauty hypermelon

just putting it out there, i love the zoo. it is awesome. i have loads of good memories from trips to the zoo and i could probably go every day of the week. i want ash to take me to edinburgh to see the pandas but until then marwell will suffice.

i am starting to really hate primark and it's not like me to wear so much of it, but i popped in the other day and they had some gems. this bag and dress i picked up for £8 each! they're great quality and i had been lusting over a bag similar on asos for a lot more money. i paired it all with my topshop, zoo appropriate, animal necklace which is one of my biggest loves in life. i am struggling to put together outfits with this weather. normally i opt for denim shorts and tights but it is just too hot! 

i am feeling rubbish about the amount i post on here and i wish i could do so more often. whilst i have been home from uni since january i have been sharing a room with my sister with all my things in the spare room. this means that i simply don't have the space to take photos. at the moment the only way i can post is by roping someone in to photograph for me. this being said i have some good ideas for some festival style, beauty and practical tips. i consider myself to know a thing or two about festivals so i hope you will enjoy these over the next month.

i hope you're all enjoying your weekends; zoe xxo

**photos taken either by my dad or gorgeous sister (@danniiambros)

twitter: @zoemush    instagram: @zoemush

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mickey's leather clad girlfriend

topshop leather studded mouse ears

so i don't care how ridiculous you think these ears are. I LOVE THEM. now obviously i won't be wearing these down to the supermarket but i can tell you now- come festival season these will be attached to my head. and the possibilities for fancy dress! they were £12.50 which might seem a bit overpriced but i can confidently predict i will have these for years to come. they were a gift from my mama and what a freaking treat they are. everyone needs a few things just because and not for practicality. (forgive the webcam photos and pathetic attempt at a cute mouse impression)

dainty doll liquid foudation

Dainty Doll by Nicola Roberts Liquid Foundation in 003 Medium

i think Dainty Doll is one of the most intelligent make up brands on the market. Nicola Roberts created this line especially for pale girls, like myself. 

after years and years of using maybelline dream matte mousse I decided it was time for a change and so for the last six months i have been on the hunt for a foundation that is more true to my skin tone. after many trips in to debenhams for a colour match (every single brand chose the lightest shade and every one was soooo wrong!) i stumbled across a dainty doll stand in boots on oxford street. normally i have to take a tester but knowing the brands focus was on paleys i took the plunge, being the absolute daredevil that i am!

let me start by saying this is the first ever foundation I have used which has come even remotely close to the natural colour of my skin. i got the foundation in shade 003 medium. they were sold out of 002 light and 001 very light is practically white, which was TOO PALE for me. i never thought i would see the day a foundation was too light for my skin! the coverage is medium but is buildable, i do tend to build this up a fair bit. it gives a very natural finish and blends easily. the packaging is sleek and simple, but i think it feels quite cheap and i don't know if i just got a dud but my pump plays up a lot as well- sob sob sob! for me personally, it is too dewy and i need to invest in a good matte powder to compensate for that.  i actually picked up the dainty doll powder as well which i thought was complete rubbish and does nothing for me whatsoever. 

in reality, if it wasn't for the colour i would probably dismiss this foundation but as it stands i can't sing this foundation (and the brands) praises enough. not all of us want to fake tan, some of us actually like being pale and thank god there is finally a brand out there that has recognised it!

DISCLAIMER- i was blessed by the skin gods in that i am not in any way acne prone and i very rarely get spots. however, my skin is dry, dehydrated and dull, as well as being extremely sensitive (eczema sufferer). after using this for two weeks i have seen no evidence of it irritating my skin or emphasising any dryness. i can't however comment on how it would be on anyone elses skin type.

she called me chauvinistic but she can't even spell it.

 

jumper; oxfam

skirt; primark

shoes; office

nails; MUA shade 23

lips; look beauty shade 8- hypermelon

ring; republic

bracelets; pandora and a gift (?)

oh the irony of the title of this post! i had to google chauvinistic to see if i'd spelled it right.

staggered by the amount of page views i am getting- 100 a day. i know that in the grand scheme of things that's not very many but to me it means a lot! 

i'm trying recently to move away from wearing shorts as much, they are still my favorite thing in the world but it can be pretty samey and boring. this midi skirt is really good quality for primark and i think it was only about £7- so no complaints! now i know what you're all thinking- the jumper?! what possessed me to buy it. well i saw it in the oxfam tent at bestival back in 2011 and fell in love with it. my boyfriend thought it was hideous but i had to have it. once it was on he said it looked nice, not sure if he just didn't want to make me mad though. i normally wear it more casually , with denim or leggings (and always get the weirdest looks) but today i wondered what it would look like with a more formal skirt and like how it turned out. lesson for today- don't be afraid to experiment and even if people think you look weird- who cares if you feel comfortable. at least it's not boring!

i am taking my daddy and perhaps my godfather to see django unchained tonight which, thinking about it, if i'm seeing my future husband- leonardo dicaprio i might have to change out of this hot jumper ;)

i built a man made out of bricks, and lived inside his chest

 hat; h&m

dress; h&m

tights; primark

jacket; primark

shoes; office

bag; marks and spencers

ring; republic

lips; kate moss for rimmel 107

are you all impressed by me keeping my word and saying i will be blogging often!? i'm almost shocked myself but i'm really enjoying it. forgive the horrific quality of these images, i'm on my mum's computer so can't use my normal editing software and as soon as i cropped the photo it looked so blurry and weird.

fairly simple outfit today as i wasn't really doing much. how amazing are polkadot tights, i used to wear them a couple of years ago but stopped for some reason. i think they are so cute, the downside is the expense compared to how long they actually last, which is one-two wears. fresh on today and already laddered! this tshirt dress from primark is amazing, i wanted it in a size 18 but they only had a 16 and i do still wish it was a bit more oversized but i like it none the less, it will go so well with my array of patterned jackets! and the price was a major plus. talking of sizing issues- this hat is way too small for my head but i couldn't bring myself to take it back because i love the colour so much. i have decided there is no way i'm giving up the a/w dark reds and berries trend. this kate moss/rimmel lippie is only the second lipstick i've ever finished. i am so attatched it's a bit ridiculous and will definitely be repurchasing. these shoes have barely been walking but after wearing them to digital they have been well and truly battered. i think i will start wearing them more often though as i love boots so much but always feel self conscious being a foot taller than everyone else. these are just little mini heels so prevent any #tallgirlproblems from flaring up.

i'm already planning my spring/summer wardrobe, i genuinely can not wait. not that i have anything to do or any money to do with it. i love all my friends to bits but it can be lonely having them spread out along the south coast. if anyone has any festival suggestions for a girl who loves glastonbury and likes bestival then send them my way! i'm looking to getting day passes this year.