Friday, 1 May 2015

Breaking your own heart

Loving someone and knowing that there's nothing more you can do to make them love you is the single most crushing feeling I've ever felt.

It's knowing that after five years you're not fun enough or pretty enough or wild enough in bed and you've gone up a dress size. And you nag all the time because life is suddenly so vast and stressful and him leaving his socks on the floor isn't cute- it's one more thing added to the list of stresses that make up your day.

It's knowing that being under valued is not good for you and love is not a reason to stay with someone. It's knowing how much you tried, how much of your soul you poured into this person, how much you exhausted yourself to make them happy- but it was never quite good enough.

And then it's the process of pretending- for your own benefit as well as everyone else's- everything is fine, it was for the best, "I'm taking control of my life."

When in reality, it's not being able to fight the lump in your throat on the walk to the bus stop. It's tears streaming down your face whilst you brush your teeth. Or sitting in the same place for hours because you can't imagine how your life is going to go on without them. It's throwing up whilst you know they're on a date- with someone prettier, slimmer, more fun- knowing their touching and laughing and he's being the person for her you longed he would be for you. It's bumping into that girl whilst shopping and breaking down on a bench.It's the fear that you trusted this person with every single last intimate detail of your life- they got you, they understood- and now they're gone.

Everything hurts and nothing gets easier.